his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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