I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
