I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
