Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
