Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
do nipples grow back?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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