considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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