Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
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Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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