When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
