New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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