absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I could fuck to npr.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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