Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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