I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
