Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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