Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
