Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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