I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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