so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
