where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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