If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The air was thick with penises
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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