Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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