I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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