and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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