My underwear smells like fireworks.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
