1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
FUCK WHALES
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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