he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
