Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
