I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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