My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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