I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
