I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
