Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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