Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.