A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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