i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.