Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.