It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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