did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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