Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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