No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
