I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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