Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
