I could have mohawked her pubes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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