I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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