every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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