my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I didn't notice because vodka
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
