My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
