I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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