i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
