wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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