Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
