Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
