You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
