Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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