I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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